Dear Santa / God / Universal Architect / Mind Flow / any Powers that may be...

I think I've been a good girl, can you please give me...

A geek that knows what D&D, RPG and CSS stand for! A geek that appreciates art in all of its aspects – and, if you want him to be perfect for me, one that is also an artist. A geek that likes to be in front of his pc as much as he likes to (also) go out at night and have some fun in a rock concert or a club – for which it’d be cool if we had at least some common musical interests, of course... ;)

A geek that doesn’t talk all the time and knows how to appreciate the silences of a day, but also one that isn’t quiet all the time leaving all the talk to me; a geek that is consistent and coherent with himself and his values/ideals but one that is also pratical; a geek that likes movies and comics and literature but doesn’t dwell into constant theorizations about them feeling all intelectual (*sigh* am I tired of those!?!); a geek that likes dA or at least knows what it is but doesn’t roll his eyes upon my face when I talk about it all excited; a geek that likes sci-fi or fantasy - but preferably sci-fi; a geek that isn’t obcessed with games but still plays them sometimes; a geek that really isn’t a fan of soccer or any other sports, but doesn’t mind seeing the soccer world championship final with me and a couple of beers – even if we’re rooting for opposite teams! xD

A geek that knows how to tease me and corteous, but not one of those flowery-bubbly ones that get all offended if I speak my mind or don’t hug him all the time or give my constant attention... or her... I’m not picky about that!

A geek that has got a witty and sarcastic sense of humour. A geek that isn’t afraid to pick me up for a dance or kiss me violently without asking my permission or even one that steals a cigar from my mouth for a puff or two with a mischiveous look in his eyes...

A geek that will grab my hand and jump that big LEAP with me and do the wildest and craziest things we ever dreamt about... without hesitations or looking back!

A geek that...

Oh Shi - a geek that doesn’t exist...  *sigh* blah, nevermind! :\

I can see through that wall!

Years ago I took the decision of not letting someone hurt me as I saw hurting my mother. I built up a wall for that. This wall sometimes makes me look like I don’t care, but I do. In fact, I care so much that to hear someone saying the words “I don’t care!” breaks my heart and makes me angry… even if that person doesn’t mean the full extent of those words.

Anyway, this wall of mine makes me look like I don’t care and I still get hurt, so it clearly isn’t working.

The human mind has a great power, but it can be broken, and with it, everything just falls apart. Add it to a very aggressive work environment and a low self-esteem due to issues from the past and you got a volcano ready to burst with delicatessen of cynism and sarcasm.

That’s what I saw happening in one of the contestants of the runaway project. Her name is Kenley and I love her clothes. (Here’s an interview with her: http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20233839_3,00.html ).

I saw her getting teased. I saw her defending herself with those 2 weapons… that are there only to fake a wall that just doesn’t work.

I saw her trying to stop the cry and trying to control her voice so she could still talk and not tremble. I saw her breaking down and appearing to be something she’s not. I saw her using a mask in order to try and hide her pain… this made her look like a bitch, to those who do not know what she was trying to do. To those who never tried doing it.

And what happened? She got teased even more and cried, in front of everyone, who just kept teasing her with a smirk of victory in their eyes and facial expressions. It was a creepy sight!

I saw it this way and not “Kenley being a bitch” because I lived that too. I know what it feels like, to feel one has to defend oneself over and over again since a kid; and I know that there is a point when the resistance stops being logical and polite, it is the point of breakdown, when one gets tired of being teased and loses all reason… and reasons to not being upfront honest in a brutal way.

I can see it through…

bittersweet

I’m bittersweet when I wake up.


Soft and slow. My voice is on play:
I wake up everyday.
When I suddenly do it’s all harsh and bleak.
My eyelids start to open while my body remains silent. I uncover myself from the sheets of depression in a slow dance with my mind. Everyday.
Surrounded by walking corpses. Talking corpses. Non-stop talking. They shatter the stories I lived while asleep from my memory. They expel them with their voices. With their sharp loud voices.
I begin to wonder where I can buy a piece of silence – for when I stop dreaming.
I imagine I’ll have to die for it.
I’d die for silence (I guess).

Even my window screams, with all the daylight. The harsh light. It tells me to do things:

Dress up! Make breakfast! Be polite and nice to the annoying walking corpses in your house! Take the Bus! Say “Good Morning” to everyone with a smile - even if it’s not a good morning for you; even if they don’t care about you! Go to class! Pay attention! Have good grades! Save your money! Beware of Wolves!… I’m a girl, so I have to be nice and cuddly. I have to be tidy and clean. I have to be a woman. I have to…
At this point I no longer am certain if this is the window talking or if it was me all along.

The air is cold when my feet push it against the wooden floor. I have no socks and feel like Oliver Twist. Only I’m a girl.

I lift my hand so it can open a drawer. My head tilts down and my eyes search for something to wear. Something that matches. Brown and white. Brown and black. Black and white.
I push yet again my feet against the wooden floor – it squeaks while warming. I then raise the volume of the radio playing one of those 80’s electric songs and I feel my lips drawing a smile in my face. Alone, I get warmer.

I obey the window’s screams, so I can just get my dose of silence. My daily need. My addiction.

-------- \\ --------

poem first edited in my dA account at http://helewidis.deviantart.com/art/Im-bittersweet-when-I-wake-up-100332960

How to spot & get rid of pervs!

I'm OLD in Internet years. I started using it since I was 12 years old. I'm now 22 on the verge of 23 - you do the math. One thing I learned during these years was how to spot an internet perv from a distance.


mIRC - that's where everything started for me; that and a site where we'd throw tomatoes at the spice girls! *giggles*

By the time I was 14 I already was able to filter pervs on mIRC very easily. It was like this:

1 - The possible-perv (or just some person with no imagination on how to start a conversation) would ask you right away detailed info, like age, sex and location. it's all good, give it, but lie a bit - to cover yourself, or just don't go very detailed on the info.
For eg.: If your name is Katrina, you are 15 and you live in Porto, Portugal, you can say your name is Kat, you are 17 and you live in the North of Portugal. This way you're not very far away from truth yet by saying 17 you'll get away from possible pedo's and stalkers.

Here, the spectrum-label is: if they ask it before saying hi/hello, how are you? more the chances they are pervs.


2 - The possible-perv (or just someone very curious or with a very prejudiced mind) would ask you for a photo of yourself. - ALERT!!! ALERT!!! Why is he/she asking you for a photo? does body physique have to be brought onto a conversation? I mean, think about it, do you really need to know how the other person looks like in order to continue to talk with?
Here, my theory is that they only want your photo to see if you look good to fuck. Really. There is no other way to put it. If they say its because this way they have a face to connect to don't buy it.

.Tell them you don't have a photo, or that you only have a really old one. If they insist on the old one send them one of when you were a baby, or one where they can't really see you that well.

or:

. Ask them for their photo first. If they don't have one don't send yours (even tho you'll send one like the previous mentioned. If they have, send your only after checking theirs. Sometimes they send trick-photos.


If they stop talking with you: congratulations, you've just got rid of a perv.
If they keep talking with you: proceed to the next step.

Exceptions to the rule: People who genuinely want to see what you look like because he/she is infatuated with you and wants to think of you every minute of the day. In which case, give a photo only if you are interested, but NEVER in the first 30 chat sessions. If he/she quits before its because it wasn't meant to be.


3 - The possible-perv will ask you for your bra-size, body type description, etc. Just close the chat window. It's a perv.... unless you started that theme, of course. Be advised it may end up in the perv asking you about sexual questions, experiences and may even proceed to attempts of phone-sex, chat-sex or even actual meetings where what he/she really wants is to get laid.


4 - The possible-perv will ask you for your phone-number because he "wants to hear your voice", some may say it is to check if you're for real i.e. a real girl; others to say just to continue the chat... Don't!
Or, if you really want to... my advice is for you to have a special phone-number just for internet contacts. This way you won't have to tell all your friends about your new number in case you need to change it due to harassment. Because believe me, if you give your phone number that easily, it'll happen.


With the turning of ages MSN came and I added a couple more rules:

5 - The possible-perv will ask you if you have msn. If you say no he'll go away or even get mad at you.

Here, the spectrum is: the sooner he asks you, the more perv he could be. the madder he gets... bla, bla, bla... or maybe just a jerk. There are those, too!


6 - The possible-perv will ask you if you have a webcam.

Say NO! - if he quits the chat congratulations, you just got rid of a perv!
- if he continues, continue chatting.

Once you say you do have a webcam he'll ask your msn. If you give it and go there he'll ask you to turn the webcam on. There is almost no escape for this, so ask him to turn his first, because you're trying to setup something near you, like background, etc...

If he does turn his first, beware: if he is a perv you'll see a penis (may be erect or not, may be with his hands around it or not) on camera.

Turn off the conversation. Block him. Don't erase him or he'll continue to be able to harass you there. On this point, it'd be good you have a email just for first talks, with a nickname different to yours. I'll explain the why of this advice later.

Also, if even before the camera talk you see his avatar is a icon from msn then don't show your photos, don't turn your camera on. If you see his avatar is a photo of his (erect or not) dick (or anything porn-related) the same applies. If his nickname is something dirty like Ifuckyouhard@hothothot.mail.com BE SUSPICIOUS!!!


Why you should have a separate email of msn - different from you nickname, name, anything that may identify you:

Because when you block the assholes, the jerks and the pervs they may share your email with their own clique - they can even start threads in a sex forum saying you're a whore, put pics of you, saying you do blowjobs, etc, etc... all kinds of defamatory things you may imagine and others not even in your wildest dreams!

Then, imagine someone decides to google your nickname or name and find those nasty sayings besides your email?

What would you feel like if you come across it? or if it was your mother coming across it? or worse, your future-possible-boss/fiance, etc?


So, when going to mIRC, MSN or anywhere else where you can talk with stranger always remind yourself of these rules, and always carry 2 sets of nicknames, a/s/l info and emails. Filter the pervs with the first email, and then after the perv-filter (a period of one week to one month depending on how much you chat) pass to the second email and make friends in safety. :)



I wish someone had taught me this when I got into the internet. So, please, share this with your friends!

Helewidis

You look so...

“You look so very lesbian!” – I heard this morning upon my arrival at the anthropology’s department. I was wearing dark-blue jeans, had a brown dA tshirt Tepara gave me and a brown and pink jacket. My hair is short and I had spiked it up with foam, as I already did in the past. What was it in my look that made me look so very lesbian? I had the answer in the following comment, it was the hair.

There are a few questions here that I’d like to address. The first is: why does having a short spiked hair make look like a lesbian? Do lesbians have hair like that? And if statistically they do, I must ask: is it only a prerogative of lesbians? Don’t do straight people wear short hair? I’m tired of seeing in the movies and in the streets and campus and I don’t believe those girls are all lesbians. Statistically some may be, but not because of the hair. Then there is another question: why exactly the short spiked hair? What I’m trying to say is that I understand the statement; I know where it comes from. It comes from the idea that lesbians – because they like females – are like boys, thus the short hair. This conclusion isn’t logic, it’s a fallacy. Just because a girl has short hair and wears a par of jeans and tennis shoes instead of a dress and high-heels it doesn’t make her less feminine or even lesbian. Yes, because that’s the idea behind that sentence. I truly believe it. The worst of it is that it comes from an anthropologist.

Some months ago I had a different hair cut and another boy told me I looked like Shane from the L word series. At the time I didn’t understood what he meant, because I never saw an episode. I saw it past week and I must agree, the hair cut was very similar, and I even share some things from Shane’s personality, but I’m not her, or like her, even less because we shared for some months the same hair cut. But the association, I then understood, was there. I now understand the grin of that guy who told me I looked like Shane. It has a connection to the one I’ve heard today.

I have to save my mate from the “corridor talk” from something: He didn’t said it with the intention to demoralize or criticize me, he didn’t use the term with a negative connotation. In fact, he congratulated me for looking lesbian and “glomped” me. This also has a negative association, though; it seems that being (or at least looking or being associated with) a lesbian is trendy nowadays – without even talking about the sexual fantasies that most men have about lesbians. But in the end, that’s only negative because it is masked by marketing of sexual personas and abridges the common sense that lesbians should be treated like sexual objects. The again, that idea lies towards the idea of “woman” (not only lesbians), along side with the idealization men (and women!!!) make out of it. An example of that is tv shows like “the L word” and “sex and the city”, although I confess, I got addicted in the L word. I also confess that if Shane was here, I’d totally enter her “chart” if she wanted ;)

Inglês ou Português?

Incomodavam-se muito que eu passasse a escrever apenas em inglês por aqui (excepto poemas)?

Comentem, digam de vossa justiça. Se dentro de um mês não tiver comentários aqui de portugueses passo para inglês. :P

Eloísa Valdes

Leituras e Desleituras

Estive a ler um pouco de Literatura Feminista este verão - Simone de Beauvoir, O segundo sexo; ainda não acabei, mas tive de devolver à biblioteca e começar a estudar para os exames em setembro.

Tem-me sido difícil estudar!

Não são melhorias, são cadeiras que nunca fiz; é a 1ª vez que estudo no verão (caramba, é MESMO difícil resistir à tentação de ficar na ronha na cama ou de simplesmente perder umas horas na internet!), pois é a 1ª vez que tenho acesso a exames de Setembro. Tive-o este ano devido ao processo de bolonha em coimbra ter corrido mal (pudera! nem comento - é melhor não!). Temos direito a época de setembro, para 4 cadeiras que reprovámos - melhorias não contam.

Escolhi duas cadeiras às quais nunca pus os pés nas aulas. Não pude, pois devido a bolonha fui prejudicada e fiquei com 10 cadeiras num semestre e 6 noutro. Era impossível fazer tudo num ano, e fazê-las todas em cada semestre - tendo em conta que as cadeiras estavam sobrepostas umas com as outras e os professores exigem presenças nas aulas todas - caso contrário não vamos a exame. Assim não dá! Tive 4 cadeiras "encavalitadas" e mesmo agora em Setembro só posso fazer 2 porque o sistema não me aceita nas outras 2, vá-se lá saber porquê!

Enfim, vendo pelo lado positivo, mais tempo para as 2 que vou fazer. Mas arreganhem os olhos e as pestanas para as ditas cujas:

Antropologia e Literatura (até estou a gostar, mas preferia ter tido oportunidade de ter ido às aulas) e Genética das Populações Humanas (o nome irá decerto arrepiar a qualquer aluno cujo background, como eu, seja de humanidades - e sim, é assim tão ARREPIANTE!!! AAARRRGGHHH!!!)

Agora que tirei isto "de cima" já posso voltar ao habitual... oh, esperem, é verdade! Não há habitual neste blog! Ele é uma miscelânea, de tudo o que vivo, penso, sinto, escrevo, desejo...

P.S.: Leituras e Desleituras, só sei que o que me apetecia mesmo mesmo era continuar a ler a bela da Simone, e não o alucinado de um dos colaboradores do "damned book"! :X


E vocês, que têm feito?

"Birdie Says"

Uma amiga minha, a Gisele, está a oferecer canecas com design da sua autoria. De modo a poder habilitar-me a uma tenho de escrever sobre isso e dizer qual a minha caneca preferida!

Antes de dizer qual é quero falar-vos da Gisele. E não, isto não vem no menu. Ela nem sabe que vou falar dela! :D Se bem que como é argentina talvez perceba um pouco do que estou a falar.

www.arwenita.deviantart.com foi onde a conheci há cerca de um ano! :)

A primeira coisa que notei na Gis foi a sua simpatia e o bom humor. Não lhe vejo a cara, mas sinto-lhe o sorriso, sempre que falo com ela. É uma daquelas pessoas genuínas, alegres e calorosas com quem se quer sempre estar! :)

Para além disso é uma excelente artista. Vejam o perfil dela no deviantart ou o portfolio no site dela... aliás, vejam o design do meu blog! Foi ela que o fez para mim! De graça e só me conhecia há 10 minutos!!! Ela é espectacular. Este post sobre ela devia ter sido o 1º, mas sabem como sou... ^^;


O local onde podem ver como receber uma caneca dela é: http://www.giselejaquenod.com.ar/blog/2008/08/05/second-giveaway-win-a-birdie-says-mug/


E agora, a caneca que gostava de receber dela era:




Obviamente, devido à referência a Alice no país das maravilhas!

Desejem-me sorte! :)

Bem no centro de tudo...

O centro na realidade não é díspar das margens.
Tretas. Não estou inspirada. Não tenho estado. Tem sido esse o problema, o cerne da questão... o centro!

O temível centro é o nada!

Bem no centro de tudo está um anúncio:

"Precisa-se Musa: deve eliminar brancas!"

Pitágoras e Dúvidas Amorosas

Deixas-me com o nada encolhido nas mãos
quando me ignoras.
Imagino o seu contorno e acaricio-o na sua Disformidade.

~

O teorema dos limites não se resume
à soma dos quadrados das pulsões:
há que adicionar as sobreposições dos triângulos - daí extraindo a raiz quadrada da melancolia.
E o pi (?) por quantas noites se multiplicará?



Originalmente postado em seishonagun.blogspot.com a "Friday, October 12, 2007"